Awake: Picking Up The Peices
by Marie King
Summary: A year has passed since Clay's surgery and he is suffering severely will Sam be able to get through to him or will his terrible trauma tear the couple even further apart?


"Stop, please I'm still awake. God Sam help me, make them stop tell them I'm still awake!"

Sam Lockwood-Beresford awoke with a slight start at the sound of her husband's screams.

She was getting used to them.

She rubbed the sleep form her eyes and looked at the clock on her nightstand it read 5:28

As quietly as she could she edged closer to her husband and wrapped her arms around his waist.

She whispered soothingly "Clay, sweetheart it's all right your safe it's okay."

After awhile saying this chant Clay awoke a strangled scream escaping his mouth.

Sam could see even in the dim darkness of their bedroom that he was sweating.

She too sat up and said reassuringly "Clay honey it's all right you just had another nightmare."

Clay rubbed his eyes and took some deep breaths.

He said fearfully "Sam I just can't get those memories out of my head."

She rubbed his back softly and replied comfortably "Oh sweetie do, you want anything?"

Clay ran a hand through his hair and said exhaustively "No I just need to splash some water on my face and take another sleeping pill I should be okay,thanks honey."

He kissed her soft and slow on her lips then he got up and started to go to the bathroom.

Sam smiled at him in the darkness she took his right hand in her own and pulled him back onto the bed.

Sam then kissed his hand and said warmly "I love you."

Before he went in the bathroom Clay kissed hers back and replied softly "I love you."

Clay then went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Sam ran a hand through out her hair and thought sadly _I really hope this ends soon._

Ever since her husband had open heart surgery a year ago he had been plagued by horrific nightmares.

The nightmares were a result of him being awake during his heart transplant. It turned out that he had been awake and aware during the entire procedure.

This was because the anesthesiologist had miscalculated the right amount of anesthetic to make sure he was under. The only good that had come out of the transplant surgery was that his new heart was functioning perfectly.

Through the after psychological and physical trauma on Clay was becoming more and more severe.

He had become a virtual insomniac not getting more than a few hours of sleep a night the nightmares he had seemed to get worse nearly every other week.

Clay was taking two different types of sleep aids through neither were working.

Sam tried to be there for her husband she constantly begged him to open up to her about what his dreams were about and to tell her how he was feeling.

Clay continually rebuffed her efforts to help, saying that she couldn't understand his fear and pain about his ordeal because she herself hadn't experienced it.

Over the course of the year since Clay's surgery the couple had become increasingly distant.

He barely talked to Sam anymore apart for some one word conversations.

He had become depressed and withdrawn concentrating all of his energy into his work as a capital investment chief.

Sam worried about his physical and mental health nearly every day.

The rest of the morning went with out Clay having any more nightmares. The couple both got up promptly at seven.

Sam ran a bubble bath hoping it would cheer Clay up.

As soon as the tub was full Sam called Clay in form his place in the bedroom.

She said sweetly "Okay hun, you can come in!"

Sam held her breath as Clay took in what she had done.

She had placed purple lavender scented candles through out the bathroom.

She also had filled the tub with purple lavender scented bath oil.

Clay who had been standing in the doorway for five minutes still hadn't said a word.

Sam took a deep breath then asked tentatively "Well what do you think, would you like to join me?"

A rare smile broke across Clay's face. He took off his night shirt and boxers.

He then said softly "I'd love too."

The couple then spent the rest of the morning in the sweet smelling bathtub.

Around ten thirty Sam and Clay got out of the tub and went to get dressed in silence like they had done nearly every morning for the past year.

Sam was determined to have more than a one word conversation with her husband this morning.

She pulled her hair back with a hair clasp.

She then cleared her throat and replied determinedly yet wearily "So honey did you like what I did to the bathroom this morning, did you enjoy yourself?"

Sam wrapped her arms around Clay's waist and pulled him close to her.

She then kissed him soft and slow on his lips.

Through to her disappointment Clay remained tense and stiff.

After a moment he replied tiredly "I thought it was great baby, it smelled and felt really good."

Clay kissed her on the cheek through it was only a thank you kiss.

Sam sighed disappointed through hardly defeated.

She released her grip on him and replied determinedly"Clay will you please talk to me. honey please, just tell me what you are feeling I want to help you I do but I can't unless you talk to me."

She kissed Clay again and pleaded gently "Sweetheart, please."

Clay exhaled slowly and an all too familiar look of annoyance came across his face. He kissed Sam back through there was hardly any love or passion in the kiss.

After a moment he replied irritated "I already told you Sam you wouldn't understand how I'm feeling unless you went through what I did and you didn't so there's no point in telling you how I feel."

Sam sighed and said compassionately "That may be true but I love you Clay and I can't stand back anymore and watch you be in pain. I want to help you through this please you need to trust me, stop shutting me out honey, let me in, let me help you."

Clay picked up his suitcase and gave her a swift peck on her cheek.

Taking a deep breath he replied distantly "Sam I know you want to help me. I do but I just don't feel like talking about this right now okay?"

Sam sighed and said warmly "All right honey I get it but, I do want to talk soon all right?"

Clay gave Sam another kiss through this time he kissed her on the lips and Sam could feel the love in it.

Clay smiled slightly and said lovingly "Okay I promise you we will, I love you."

Sam smiled back at him and replied content "All right honey, I love you, are you ready to go to work?"

Clay nodded and the two of them made their way to the limo that waited for them outside of Sam's apartment. The limo stopped at the capital firm which Clay owned and worked at.

He gave Sam a swift kiss on the cheek and made to get out of the limo, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him back onto the cushioned seat.

She placed both of her hand on either side of his face and kissed him very slowly.

After a few seconds of kissing Clay put a finger to her lips and said yearningly "Sam, baby I gotta go."

Sam sighed and said longingly "Okay, I just wanted to give you something to think about all day long, good-bye honey have a nice day, I love you."

Clay smiled once again that morning and replied warmly "Don't worry I'll be thinking about you all day after that kiss, you have a nice day too, love you."

Sam sighed again and said happily "Good I'm glad you won't forget see you tonight."

Clay smiled and kissed her swiftly on the mouth grabbed his suitcase and said semi- enthusiastically "All right baby I can't wait."

He then got out of the limo and went inside.

Sam sighed again and hoped that they would talk that night about how he was feeling.

The driver of the limo was a man in his early seventies.

His name was Patrick Barren he was born in England through he had moved to the United States many years before.

He had been with the Beresford Family since Clay's grandfather was a infant.

Patrick was a polite charming man and had taken Sam's addition to the Beresford family extremely well.

Sam thought of him as the father she never had, she normally confided in him about her problems.

Patrick was always there to listen and offer his advice to her.

Sometimes Sam really wouldn't know what she would do without Patrick he was truly valuable to her.

Sam cleared her throat and said softly " Patrick to the Beresford Manhattan Townhouse please."

Patrick nodded and said politely "Certainly Miss Samantha. "

With that Patrick started to drive the limo towards the Beresford Townhouse.

Another positive thing that came out of Clay's surgery was that Sam and Clay's mother Lilith had become extremely close over the last year.

She was more than Lilith's personal assistant and daughter-in-law she was one of Lilith's best friends and Sam felt the same way about her.

Waking at nearly six in the morning had taken a lot more out of her than Sam wanted to admit.

She shank back against the soft cushioned seat of the limo and closed her eyes quickly she fell asleep.

The next thing she knew she was being gently shaken awake by Patrick.

He said worriedly "Miss Samantha, Miss Samantha we have arrived."

She slowly opened her eyes and rubbed the weariness form them.

Sam sat up quickly and replied embarrassed"Oh I'm sorry Patrick I must of dozed off."

Patrick offered Sam his right hand and helped her out of the limo.

As she smoothed out her skirt and stretched, Patrick asked her concerned "Miss, are you feeling all right. I mean you were completely asleep in the back seat, is everything well with Master Clayton and your self?"

Sam smiled at Patrick wearily and said worriedly "I'm afraid not Patrick, see Clay is having nightmares and he won't tell me about them. He won't let me help him."

Patrick put his right hand on Sam's shoulder then replied wisely "Miss Samantha I can only say this, Master Clayton will tell you how he feels in time, you mustn't rush him or he won't tell you anything just keep being there for Master Clayton he'll come around you'll see."

Patrick flashed Sam a smile filled with a mixture of sympathy and caring.

Sam smiled back at him and said grateful "Thank you for listening Patrick it helps me more than you know us having our little talks I would like it very much if you could keep this specific conversation to yourself."

Patrick held up his hand and replied softly "Of course Miss Samantha I understand."

Sam smiled and replied "Thanks, Patrick have a good day."

He tipped his hat at Sam and replied curtly "You as well Miss I'll come to get you at ten sharp."

Sam nodded and said "I'll be waiting."

With that Patrick went to the limo got in the driver's side and drove off.

Sam went inside the townhouse.

She hung up her coat in the coat room and got out her iPhone, she then went into the kitchen were she knew mother-in-law would be at.

Lilith was indeed in the kitchen she was sitting at the table poured over her white Mac lab top her hands flying relentlessly across the keyboard that Sam was afraid she would break the keys.

The sight soon became too much for her and Sam giggled softly.

Her concentration broken Lilith jumped at Sam's laughter.

She quickly went to her and gently placed her right hand on her shoulder.

Sam said soothingly to her frenzied mother-in-law "Lilith it's okay it's only me."

Lilith smiled wearily and replied fondly "Oh Sam it's so good to see you dear, please sit have some chamomile tea."

Sam sat down across form Lilith and replied apologetically "I really am sorry that I scared you."

Lilith poured Sam a cup of tea and placed it in front of her.

She than sat down and replied warmly "Don't apologize dear I've been working too hard."

The two then sipped there tea in silence for a few minutes.

Lilith then asked curiously "So how is my Darling Clay, he is doing any better?"

Sam sipped her tea nervously she pursed her lips then took a deep breath.

Once she exhaled she said anxiously "Well no he keeps having nightmares about the surgery,he won't talk to be about them, in fact he hardly talks to me at all, today was the first time we actually had a conversation that lasted for more than a few minutes."

Sam ran her hands through out her hair and replied despairingly "Lilith I don't know what to do I mean I tell Clay that I'm here for him but he never wants to open up to me."

Lilith went over to Sam and embraced her fiercely.

Sam stayed in Lilith's hug for a few moments she then pulled away form her and took more sips of her tea. Lilith did the same.

Finally after five minutes of silence Lilith broke it and said knowingly "Sam dear you can't pester Clay about these types of things. I'm as worried about him as you are but if you keep on going down this road he'll never open up to you."

Sam sighed and sipped her tea again she smiled at what Patrick told her a few hours prior.

She then replied dryly "That's exactly what Patrick said to me."

Lilith laughed and said keenly "Well I haven't kept him around this long just for his good driving skills you know."

Sam laughed and it was welcome laughter she didn't realize how glum a mood she had been in until she started to laugh.

After a few seconds of laughing Sam sipped her tea again and said comforted "Your right, thanks Lilith."

Lilith took Sam's hand and replied warmly "Don't worry yourself so much about Clay he'll be just fine, with some one like you to pick up the pieces of this mess for him I know he's in good hands with you."

Sam smiled and said reassured "That's nice to hear I was afraid I wasn't doing anything for Clay."

Lilith squeezed Sam's hand softly and replied reassuringly "You are doing a great thing by just loving Clay. Sam that's the only thing he needs right now is your love."

Sam sighed and replied worriedly "I am loving Clay but I'm scared that isn't enough."

Lilith let go of Sam's hand and replied compassionately "It is Sam you just don't know it yet. Clay will come around, trust me dear."

Sam sighed and said uncertainly "I hope so, I just can't stand to see Clay like this."

Lilith replied briskly "Don't worry Sam it will all work out, now have you booked the Plaza's Grand ballroom for my charity benefit?"

Sam smiled to herself and tapped a few touch screen buttons on her iPhone then replied quickly "Yes I did for the twenty eighth of this month."

Lilith got up from her seat and started walking out of the kitchen and towards the living room.

She said over her shoulder to her breezily "Come on Sam keep up I have so much to plan before this charity benefit and I'm going to need your help with it."

Sam smiled took out a pen and paper than said aptly "I'm ready what do want me to do first?"

Lilith replied briskly "Call my florist tell him I need two hundred roses for the benefit then I want you to call Wolfgang Puck and see if he will be able to be the head chef."

Sam nodded and went about her work.

As did she her duties as Lilith's personal assistant she let her worries about Clay fall to the wayside as they usually did while she worked.

Through ten 'o clock came faster than Sam wanted and Lilith ordered her to go home.

Sam casually said that she would be glad to stay longer.

Lilith was having none of it and told Sam to go home.

She said firmly through softly "You go home right now you need to look after my Clay he needs you Sam."

Sam sighed and replied defeated "All right see you Monday Lilith."

Lilith gave Sam a hug and said softly "Sounds good, love you dear."

Sam grabbed her things and went out side to meet Patrick.

He tipped his hat at Sam and greeted her warmly "Good evening Miss Samantha how was your work day, may I take anything for you?"

Patrick's voice was not only warm but concerned as he eyed Sam's large overflowing hand bag.

Sam smiled at Patrick and replied "It was just fine and no Patrick I've got it."

Patrick nodded and said formally "Very well."

Patrick then opened the passenger side door for her and Sam got in.

The ride back to her apartment was silent as neither she or Patrick spoke.

Finally the limo stopped at her apartment and Patrick helped Sam out of the car.

Sam smiled at Patrick and said warmly "Thank you so much for your support over his whole situation with Clay." She then gave Patrick a warm hug.

Patrick tipped his hat at her for the third time that day.

He then said formally through Sam could tell there was love in his answer as he said warmly "Think nothing of it Miss Samantha good night to you and have a pleasant weekend."

Sam nodded and said gently "Same to you Patrick."

He smiled bowed slightly walked around to the driver's side of the limo got in and drove off.

Sam watched Patrick drive off until she couldn't see the sleek black limousine any longer.

Taking a deep breath Sam climbed the staircase to her apartment and opened the door.

The first thing that Sam noticed was the vibrant scent it was the scent of roses they were her favorite flower.

Sam shrugged off her coat and hung it on the coat hanger.

Knowing that Clay would be home she called out anxiously "Clay, sweetheart are you here?"

Before she even took a step toward the bedroom Sam looked down and saw that there were bright red arrows on the floor. She smiled took off her shoes and followed the arrows.

They led to the bedroom.

Rose petals were scattered on top of the neatly made bed and pillows scented red rose candles also adorned the nightstands and window sill.

Sam was in awe.

Through there was still no sign of Clay.

Looking at the wonderful scene closer Sam spotted a red envelope on top of her pillow.

She picked it up and opened it.

Inside was a note in Clay's neat handwriting, _Sam I hope you like what you see in case your wondering where I am look in the bathroom._

Sam smiled fondly at the note.

She then pulled off her cashmere sweater and pants.

Now only in her under clothes Sam took another deep breath and opened the bathroom door. Inside she saw a spectacular sight.

Clay had decorated the bathroom the same way he had done the bedroom.

The bath tub was filled with sweet smelling red bubble bath on top of the water he had put rose petals.

There were also rose petals on the floor and red rose scented candles on the bathroom's window sill.

Sam was so enthralled with the scene she hardly noticed Clay standing by the bath tub clad only in his boxers

Sam smiled and went to him.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and said shocked "Clay this has to be one of the most romantic things anyone's ever done for me."

With that said Sam kissed him.

Once she was done Clay replied warmly "I'm glad you like it."

They kissed again and Sam asked beyond curious "Honey why did you do all of this?"

He gently slid out of Sam's embrace then slipped into the tub took a deep breath and stayed under the water for a few seconds.

Clay quickly resurfaced he wiped the water out of his eyes and motioned for Sam to join him.

She smiled at him warmly got in the tub with him and straddled Clay gently in the warm sweet smelling water.

He wrapped his arms around Sam's waist and gathered her to his chest.

Sam laid her head against Clay's chest and wound her arms around his neck.

The couple stayed intertwined with each other in silence for a while neither of them caring or wanting to speak for they were both content how they were.

They kissed occasionally through didn't speak.

Around an hour or so later the silence was starting to get to Sam.

She kissed Clay's cheek and said adoringly "Clay honey you still haven't told me why you did all of this."

Clay kissed her back he took and took a deep breath and exhaled.

Finally he replied conflictingly "Baby I keep reliving it, over and over in my head. I remember everything and feel everything again and again every hour every second of the day since it happened."

As he was talking Sam whose head was against his chest could feel and hear his heart accelerate the more he talked about the surgery.

Sam put a finger to Clay's lips and said her heart breaking for him "Oh honey why didn't you tell me all this sooner?"

Clay sighed and stayed silent for a few moments.

Finally he took a deep breath and as he exhaled he said worriedly "I was afraid if I told you how I felt that it would only make you worry about me. I didn't want to burden you with the horrible things I had to endure during my surgery. It hurt me to even think about it much less tell someone else how I was feeling."

Sam kissed his neck then replied softly "Don't ever be afraid to tell me how you feel, Clay I've been worrying myself crazy not knowing what was going on with you."

They kissed and Clay said happily "Now that I've told you how I've been feeling I feel so much better, just talking about it with you I feel like I'm really healing."

Sam kissed Clay once again that night and said ecstatic "Oh sweetheart I'm glad that you told me too I have to admit it wasn't easy to hear that you went through all of that pain but I'm glad you finally had the courage to tell me about it now maybe we can move on form this."

Sam kissed Clay again and a genuine smile broke across Clay's face as he replied passionately "Yeah I think we finally can, I love you."

Sam smiled and said tenderly "I love you."

He gently lifted Sam off of his lap and stood up in the tub then got out.

Clay went into the linen closet and came back with a large towel he gave it to Sam who wrapped it around herself.

He then bent down and scooped Sam up in his arms towel and all.

Sam laughed and said curiously "Clay were are you taking me?"

Clay threw back his head and laughed once he had stopped.

He then said eagerly "To our bed we are gonna have a good time tonight, baby!"

Sam giggled and said warmly "Okay that sounds great honey but maybe we should dry ourselves off first?"

Clay nodded and said complacent "All right."

After the couple had dried off they made love for the first time in nearly a year and Sam couldn't remember any time where she felt so content and happy with her husband.

As they were lying in bed Sam propped her self on her elbow and looked at Clay lovingly for moment

She then said contently "Honey I love you so much I know we can put your surgery past us and move on, all we have do to is keep talking to each other about it."

Clay kissed her and replied passionately "Yeah your right I really wouldn't know what I'd do without you Sam, I love you."

Sam rolled herself on top of Clay and said seductively "I know I love you you've shown that you've love me _psychically_ once tonight through..

Sam kissed him and replied suggestively "I wouldn't mind if you showed me again."

Clay laughed and said wryly "Of course, I'd love too."

Sam smiled and started kissing Clay on the neck she then started going down his body Clay reached over and turned his night stand lamp off.

Before she went to sleep Sam thought to herself. _Lilith was right Clay is gonna be just fine._

With that thought in her mind Sam rolled over gave her husband a kiss on his cheek and fell into a very content sleep.

For the first time in over a year Clay had no nightmares.


End file.
